8/30/2014
My Dear Piper,I am so sad. My heart is broken. I am writing you this letter because I will never be able to tell you these things in person. Earlier this week we found out you no longer had a heartbeat. I carried you for 19 weeks and suddenly you are gone.
What started as a surprise for us and such a blessing from God has become a nightmare. Our first scare was at your 12 week NT scan when it came back that you were high risk for Down Syndrome. I did not worry even a little bit. I knew no matter what we would be blessed with a beautiful child of God and if you needed special care and attention, and God thought us worthy enough to be able to meet those needs we would be ready for you and love you all the same. We did additional testing to find out if we were going to be blessed with a special needs baby and found out not only were you low risk for Down Syndrome but you were also our first baby girl! I was so ecstatic!
When I was pregnant for the first time I was so scared of the idea of having a girl. I prayed for a boy. I was not ready for a little girl yet. I had no idea what I would do with a baby at all, especially a little girl with all the bows, and shoes, and hair! I thought a boy would be an easier start to parenthood for me and was thrilled when I learned Andy was a boy.
When I found out I was pregnant a second time I was on the fence. I had this boy raising thing down and was pretty confident in my skills there. Andy was by no means perfect but we seemed to have things down. I was still scared with the idea of having a girl, but was more open to the idea. Still when we found out Wyatt was a boy there was a slight sigh of relief that I would still be in my "comfort zone" of raising boys.
At the end of May when we found out I was unexpectedly pregnant for a third time I knew it was my girl. My daughter. I was ready. I was prepared. I was a seasoned mom with 2 boys under my belt and ready to conquer the unknown of raising little girls.
So after our testing, when I spoke to the nurse and she told me not only was there a very low risk of Down Syndrome but we were having a little girl I cried. It was the first time I ever cried finding out the gender of my baby but it was so perfect. We relished in it! I started planning the girliest nursery ever (pink lace, flowers, the whole nine yards), keeping an eye out for beautiful baptism gowns (discount on Zulily of course), bought big brother t-shirts for the boys, "It's a girl!" balloons for pictures, talked to Andy and Wyatt about bringing home their baby sister, moved your big brothers into a room together to start prepping your nursery, and quickly settled on the name Piper Anne. We were already so in love with you we couldn't begin to imagine what was to come.
The weekend before my "big ultrasound" I was in the shower getting ready to go to bunco and suddenly I had a terrible stomach ache. I double over and sat on they shower floor waiting for it to pass. It was not labor I was sure (I've done it twice before) but it was a terrible cramping in my upper abdomen. I literally had to crawl out of the shower and into my bed and call Eric on his cell phone to come downstairs and help me. We called the on-call nurse who said it did not sound like anything OB related and to take some tylenol and to go into the hospital if things didn't get better within a few hours.
I took some tylenol, cancelled my plans and tried to rest. Within an hour I was miraculously feeling much better so I chalked it up to anxiety or a stomach bug and didn't think anything of it. However, while not nearly as serious, the pains continued to come and go over the next few days. On Monday afternoon as I lay on the couch with a terrible headache I decided to check my blood pressure which was an astronomical 178/110. I had pre-eclampsia with both the boys so I knew the drill. I called my nurse and she talked to the Doctor who decided since I was coming in for my ultrasound in a few days to go ahead and just prescribe some blood pressure medicine instead of sending me into the hospital.
Two days later we went in for our ultrasound. These had become pretty routine but fortunately I still asked your daddy to come with me. I was still concerned that my blood pressure was staying a little higher than I liked and my stomach aches were still lingering, although not nearly as painful as the original. During the ultrasound I noticed my tech was not as chatty as most of my other ultrasounds and she took a LOT of pictures of your little head. I knew something must be wrong. Eventually she went to get the radiologist who comes in to confirm all her measurements (very standard). However, it was an usually long wait compared to my previous visits and again I could tell something was up. He came in and did more measurements and finally broke some scary news to us. Your legs were measuring small (15.5 weeks instead of 17.5) and your abdomen was measuring just as small, in addition the ventricles in your brain were dilated which means the fluid was not draining properly. That was basically all he could tell us other than it didn't really look good and we needed to go upstairs and talk to the doctor. They sent us out what I now refer to as the "Bad News Door", which explains why I have never seen a woman in tears coming out of the imaging center where I've probably had 30 ultrasounds over the years.
After talking to the doctor we only got a few more answers. We were told it would likely go one of three ways. (1.) All of these issues would basically 'right themselves' and you would end up as our perfectly healthy little baby girl in another 20 or so weeks, (2.) things could basically stay abnormal but in a manageable way in which you may end up with some special needs and we may have to look into extra monitoring, surgeries and stints and other things once you were here, or (3.) the unthinkable and things could get worse and your little body would stop growing and stop thriving. We never even considered the latter as a possibility. We did a test to determine if you might have any infections and awaited the results and scheduled a follow up appointment with the same specialist I saw with both of your brothers.
The next day my stomach aches stopped, and we went on with our life trying not to worry, but in constant prayer.
We told our closest family and friends and asked for prayers for you. People all over the WORLD were praying for you. We asked them to specifically pray that your legs and abdomen would continue to grow and catch up with the rest of your body and that the ventricles in your brain would be able to drain properly and and at our next ultrasound at exactly 19 weeks you would be perfect. We asked them to ask others to pray and they did. And everyone prayed. And prayed. And prayed.
We found out you had no infections, and we rejoiced and continued to pray. and pray. and pray.
And then we went in to meet with the specialist at 19 weeks. He started the sonogram and I did not see you moving and I knew and your heart had stopped. He delivered the official knows and we were sad. We don't know when your heart stopped, and that makes me sad. We don't know why. And that makes me sad. We do know that your little body was only measuring around 16 weeks so it had not grown much at all since our last ultrasound a week and a half before.
I don't blame myself or think it was anything I did to make this happen; or think there is anything I could have done to keep it from happening. My body didn't even want to let you go (I will get to that nightmare in another letter).
I don't blame my doctors. They are so wonderful and are the reason both of your brothers are here with us today. They gave me all the information they could with what they knew about you and all we could do was wait and see what your little body would do.
I don't blame God because I know he could never cause this sort of pain.
There is no one to blame, which only leaves more sadness.
There is nothing anyone could have done to save you, which only leaves more emptiness.
There is no way of knowing what you would have looked like and who you would have been which breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces every day.
It's unfathomable how much I miss you when I never even got to see you.
19 weeks with you was painfully too short.
I'm so so so so sad.
I'm sad for me. That I won't have you to dote on and raise and teach you all the lessons that I got wrong.
I'm sad that you don't get to spend summers on end playing with your little girl cousins only a few months older than you.
I'm sad for Eric that he won't have you to wrap around his little finger and spoil rotten.
I'm sad for Andy and Wyatt that they won't have you to protect, love on and yet simultaneously be terribly jealous of.
I'm sad for all of your family and all of your friends that never got to meet you, for in our 19 weeks together I know you were special, perfect and wonderful.
So for now I am going to be sad. And one day I will be less sad. And eventually I will even be happy again. But you will always be missing. And with that a piece of my heart. And for that I think a piece of me will always be sad. Forever.
Until we meet in Heaven,
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment